Essay: Communication Can Bring Back the Spark — Featuring Photography by Anna Divinagracia
In This Space in which You and I Lay Still in Time (2022), Anna Divinagracia
Eleven years with the same person sounds beautiful to some people. They want to know the cute story of how we met, what our life has been like, all the details. Others wonder about our sex life. A question I’ve been asked more times than I can count is: “How can you have sex with the same person for eleven years and still enjoy it?” People talk about the spark dying out, or knowing a person too well. Social media makes people feel that sex in a long-term relationship is easy, but it takes work. In fact, just assume that every piece of a relationship involves some form of effort. Definitely don’t believe the people who claim dry spells don’t exist in a relationship. Dry spells are normal and can be reversed.
At the beginning, it was spicy and spontaneous! We were barely out of high school, still filled with hormones. All we wanted to do was jump each other once sex entered into our relationship. Sometimes, we did it two or three times a day. Back then, foreplay wasn’t necessary for either of us. Just the sight of him clothed or naked would spark desire. This lasted through our first year of living together. When you share a bed and spend so much time with the person you love/lust for, that first year of living together can produce plenty of moments for pleasure. We were also more adventurous at this stage in our relationship, thinking of new places for the activity: on couches, in cars, at midnight on the hood of a car. Not public places, but interesting enough for the two of us.
That spark will dull sometimes, though. As the years passed, the sex was great, but repetitive. How often does a woman want to take back shots or missionary before they crave something new? Note that I said something, not someone. I still wanted the same guy, but I needed that spontaneity from our earlier years. I went through periods where I didn’t want to be touched. We grew tired from long years of working and the piling up of life’s challenges. Here is when the effort and work comes into play. In a relationship, communication is important for dealing with feelings and mental health, and it’s especially important for your sexual relationship. You have to talk to each other when one of you isn’t feeling satisfied or gets bored.
He wasn’t the one getting bored. I began to realize I needed a little foreplay to set the mood, and it was a foreign concept because we hadn’t taken the time to learn the little touches or spots to light the flame before getting down and dirty. He would have orgasms, but I didn’t say anything when I hadn’t finished yet. I was scared to speak up. I didn’t want him to think I hated sex with him when it was the opposite. I loved having sex with my man; I just wanted to climax too.
It took several tries to start the conversations about my own pleasure. I was scared despite him assuring me we could talk about it. Once we began to talk about it, it never stopped. I asked if he liked what I did with my tongue or mouth. He asked if I orgasmed. I spoke up when I needed some help getting into the mood. Talking made the sex better. To this day, we have discussions about things we are willing to try, toys we may consider introducing, kinks we are exploring, and positions to try out. Communication was the missing link for me. Starting the conversation was the hardest part, but our sex life has matured because of that one day I decided to speak up.
About the Author
Nicole Bristol (she/her) is a creative writer and self-published author based in Newport News, Virginia. When she isn’t writing, she can be found with her head buried in a good book or creating content for her bookstagram account. Her experience living overseas influenced her writing to release her debut novel, Tiny Gold Heart. She holds a BA in English from University of Phoenix, but would much rather be reading a YA or fantasy novel instead of Shakespeare.
About the Photographer
Anna Divinagracia is a Philippines-born, Baltimore-based, photographer, and artist. Divinagracia transforms her shared experiences from both Baltimore and Filipino culture into intimate presentations of reality through her lens. She creates a personal nostalgic narrative that explores themes of love, tenderness, family, and home that challenges issues of acculturation and identity as an immigrant.
Divinagracia holds a bachelor's degree in marketing from the illustrious Morgan State University. Follow more of her work on Instagram.
